Note: This is a literal note, complete with grammatical errors, that I wrote to myself to process and reflect on my frustrations after missing another deadline for something. I can’t remember what the something was anymore.

___

i move at my own pace.

and it’s slow…

glacially slow.

so slow that I wish I didn’t care so much about my work. so slow that I have to ask myself if this is perfectionism. (answer: yes & no.)

i wish i could move faster. i wish i could be more linear: step 1, step 2, step 3.

i push things back again and again. and then again.

...

Deadlines come and I’ll speed up a little, just a little. But usually not enough. Deadline’s gone.

I’m learning that I don’t need to tell everyone the day-by-days, play-by-plays. This isn’t hard for me because I’m already a 'keep my cards close to my chest’ person. But then I start feeling like I’m icing out the people I’m close to (or who I want to be close to) because I’m saying nothing. In a way, I am.

I want to tell my friends and family every little thing I’m excited about. But what happens when I can’t make it work, because I was overwhelmed, because I got lost in the weeds, because…?

Are they going to see me as some big loser? Then I’ll have to deal with their disappointment and mine. It’s too much.

I know it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. So the things that are still ideas, that are just notes about notes… I’m going to keep quiet about them until they’re concrete.

At least, that’s my plan.

...

addendum to me re: whatever i was working on that inspired this piece.

it probably sounded good on paper. very impressive. but i’m not sure i ever wanted to do it. or maybe its just not aligned to who i am and how i work.